Day 12 of my 39-day self-care challenge

On Mondays I go to Rosehill Blooms to work remotely. I go because being away from my big monitor (for photo editing) forces me to work on other things, that I would otherwise put off.

Right now I’m re-doing my website to include my new offerings. Even though I’ve dreamed, strategized, piloted, practiced and prepared, I still feel terrified to step into the next phase of my career.

My mindset coach calls this the Terror Barrier. It involves worry & doubt in the mind, fear in the emotions, and anxiety in the body.

But the spirit holds steady. The spirit (or “pussy” as Mama Gena would say) knows that the things that scare us are the compass for where we should go.

RUN, DON’T WALK spirit says.

I was doing the opposite — I was crawling — until I realized the best solution would be to have someone hold my hand.

Sarah doesn’t drag me through, or give me tough love, like a drill sergeant. She holds space for me to feel the fear and do it anyway. She gets down to business (she’s one of the busiest, most productive wedding pros I know). And I sit next to her and work through my terror barrier. Every now and then we pause for a dance break or a karaoke break... because obviously.

You see, once you hit the terror barrier you can either keep going or stop. But if you stop, you stop. Your goals stop, your desires stop, your dreams stop. So yeah, you can stop, but stopping is, like, actual stopping.

There’s no way around the fear. There’s no shortcut or overpass. There’s no way to avoid the discomfort.

There IS a way to enjoy it though. Because when you understand the REASONS you’re feeling like hell, you can get excited. You can remind yourself that reason you suddenly wake up at 3am is because you’re actually doing something. You’ve finally stepped into action and shit is happening. And it’s the thing you’ve been wanting and wondering and fantasizing and ferreting away in your heart like a little secret love.

And those are comforting thoughts. Comforting and exciting and great.

And then you can go back to sleep.

So today for #39daysofselfcare I packed my lunch and my laptop and went to sit amongst the flowers and my friend, in Rosehill.

DAY 9 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

There was a time in my life that, every time someone would tell me I was beautiful I would think “yeah, but you don’t know how fucked up I am on the inside.” I knew I fit society’s beauty standards, and yet I still felt awkward, insecure, lonely and ashamed. I was scared of attention. I literally took the alleyways because fewer people could look at me then.

And you know what? This only changed within the last couple of years! Especially when it came to being sexy and feminine — ho boy was I uncomfortable with that!

But look at me now. Dragana Paramentic took these beautiful photos for her new project, The Goddacious Experience. She’s mighty talented, and I was feeling hot as hell!

So how did I make this transformation, you ask? Two things: SISTERHOOD and DOING THE WORK. That’s right.... personal development, specifically in a community setting. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve done my fair share of one-on-one counselling and coaching. But I couldn’t get to HERE alone.

Through (my coach) Catherine Farquharson’s group of 70, and Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts’ army of 900, I have been surrounded by women who saw the light in me.
✨Who lifted me up
✨Carried me when I was down
✨Who I was strong for when they needed me
✨Who celebrated one another’s wins
🔥Whose desires and accomplishments were so much more outrageous and huge and fucking important than mine, that it lit a fire in me to get there/
have that/
do that/
Be that.

Today is Day 9 of #39daysofselfcare. I am at Dragana’s house for a self-love date. That’s right, we are getting together to praise & raise each other (and eat all the foods).

If you wanna love yourself more, get your ass a sisterhood, asap.

Get out of the alleyways. Come walk on the sidewalk where everyone can see you’re a Goddess too.

Resources:

The Goddacious Experience (Toronto)

Catherine Farquharson’s mindset coaching group (global)

Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts: On Sisterhood (global)

If you are looking for SISTERHOOD, specifically with other brides who are planning their weddings, get on the waitlist for The Course! (global)

DAY 7 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

A few days ago I was dancing all the feelings out of my body to a rightfully rage-y song and felt compelled to basically trash the place. This consisted of throwing clean laundry EVERYWHERE, whipping the floor with a towel, and writhing around with the pillows and blankets on my bed. My downstairs neighbours are on vay-cay, and it feels so good to let loose. 🌊🌪💦☄️✨

Once I was done, I spent time folding & hanging everything with the KonMari method, which I adore, listening to the Tusk album by Fleetwood Mac. (Can we pls stop and share a moment for the song “Storms”?!?! Tks)

I digress.
Day 7 of #39daysofselfcare is cleaning; specifically to tidy, fold, put out the trash, empty the fridge, and purge a bunch of papers.

But does cleaning count as “self-care”? You bet your bottom dollar!

For anyone naturally tidy, you may not relate to this post. But for many/most people who have experienced depression, you know how bad things can get. There were times in my life my bedroom looked like the above image on a regular day. The simplest acts of housekeeping felt impossible.

But for most people who have experienced depression, you know how bad things can get.

They say depression is anger turned inwards. And my wise coach once said, “your outside world is a reflection of your inner one.” In my experience these two statements are true.

It took me a year of intentional research to discover what “self-love” was for me. In a REAL, literal, action-based sense. I wanted STEPS. I needed instructions. Cleaning was one of them.

It changed my life.
Much to my hippy, anti-establishment, “won’t be domesticated” chagrin, I learned it’s easier to go with the flow, when there’s actual physical space for the flow to go.

If you’re in the middle of wedding planning, maybe you don’t have time/desire to clean. Especially when things get intense, this can go to the bottom of the priority list. I have a hack for that: hire a cleaner!!

LET ME REPEAT:
Hire a cleaning person.

Because, you know what? It’s 100% the same amount and quality of love as if you did it yourself. Maybe even more so! Let go of whatever weirdness you may feel and give yourself that gift.

If you look at your own life, can you see any ways your outside world reflects your inner one?

Resources:

The KonMari Method of tidying up

Catherine Farquharson Coaching

DAY 4 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

Saying YES to help…

In particular, saying yes when an auntie at today’s wedding offered - nay, INSISTED - that she pack us each a very full take out box of food for our drive. We were rushing around and I had half-assedly snapped up a few goodies onto a plate, covered with a napkin...

“That’s nothing. And it’s going to spill,” she scoffed, in true Auntie fashion. So depicted here are the remains. I ate about 5 spanakopitas and god-knows how many cookies.

Why is this self-care??

Actually a lot of brides struggle with saying yes to help. Taking a frigging minute for themselves, in life, let alone the wedding day. Sometimes not receiving help is a form of grasping onto control. Other times it’s a lifelong, learned habit of putting yourself last. After everyone else is taken care of, THEN you eat. Then you rest. Then you play. But often Then never comes.

What comes in its place is exhaustion, resentment, victimhood, and burnout.

I don’t blame any person, woman, or bride, for this behaviour. I have a lifetime of practice myself — it’s what we’re taught!

But I DO see the value in ending this. That’s why I’m doing 39 days.

And sometimes the most simple practices are the most profound. I let myself eat. I drank enough water. I remembered to pee... things that, during a BUSY 12 hour wedding day, are easy to forget, postpone, or avoid altogether.

My body thanks me. My work is more beautiful and profound. My jokes (I happen to think) are more hilarious. And somewhere deep in my system, I have demonstrated I am loved, by me. Loved and respected enough to be taken care of on the most basic level.

If you’re getting married and want to make your Snack Plan, I have a blog post on keeping H’Anger at Bay on the Wedding Day!

But in the meantime, how have you said YES to receiving, lately? Don’t forget to ask for and accept a little help.

DAY 3 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

This morning I woke up and noticed I was kind of pissed off. I was lying in bed, thinking about two recent incidents where people’s behaviour had made me feel irritated.

As I replayed “what happened” in my head, I felt anger bubbling up again.

Suddenly I stopped. 🛑 Why was I re-living those moments? After ALL the mindset coaching I’ve done, I know that thoughts create feelings. And some feelings are TOXIC - you can literally feel the stress hormones pumping through your body as the thoughts occur.

I took a breath and paused to ask myself a few questions. I realized that these two events: 1. Were both in the past. 2. Had been discussed and resolved between us, as best we could.

I took stock and saw that I had expressed my displeasure, set my boundaries, made efforts to understand the other person’s reaction, and had also taken steps to separate my own responsibility and feelings...
So why did I wake up thinking about it?

I realized I hadn’t SWAMPED.
Swamping is a concept I learned when studying in New York, at the School of Womanly Arts, to help you work your emotions out of your body. Yes, your BODY.

I could think my way out of almost anything, but thinking is not always enough. 🤔We live in a human body that experiences, stores, and remembers all of our emotions... hence being able to feel when they’re pumping through your system.😤🤯🤬

If you can feel them entering, don’t you think you need to feel them exit, too??

We think in order to get over anger we need to relax, but it’s actually the other way around: we need to get the anger out IN ORDER TO relax. Swamping allows you to do this.

After I swamped, I felt great. In fact, I ended up dancing around my room and doing a strip tease in front of my bedroom mirror! 🔥💃🏻💦Ruminating on the past was the LAST thing on my mind. 🤣 I headed into my day with a glow and a heart full of gratitude.

Have you heard of this? How do you get your feelings out?

I’m including this in my #39daysofselfcare challenge. Why? Because if you’re not used to allowing “difficult” feelings, some people can find the idea of swamping terrifying... But I consider it one of the most pleasurable forms of self-care I know 😍 I’d love to hear your thoughts!