Day 2 of my 39-day self-care challenge

One of my (many) birthday gifts to myself this year was to have a session with acupuncturist, Nada Ashkar. Nada’s office is next-door to mine, and I booked an appointment for rebalancing my system, easing tension in my jaw, and cosmetic acupuncture... I mean, I did just turn 39! And while I plan to age gracefully and continue to believe I am getting hotter more beautiful, and more fabulous with time… Well sometimes a girl just needs a little support.

This story is for those of you who are curious but freaked out about acupuncture because, well, NEEDLES.

The first time I ever went to acupuncture was in 2013. My friend, Meg, invited me because I was having major TMJ issues. My dentist had identified degradation in both sides of my jaw joints and it had gotten to the extreme that, halfway through a meal, I had to stop eating because of the pain. I often went hungry! I wore a mouth guard at night to prevent the clenching from damaging my jaws further, but as my teeth pressed against the guard, they started to reposition themselves from the pressure… So then my bite didn’t match up. Honestly it was hell.

Anyione with jaw pain, teeth grinding, or TMJ of any sort, I feel you. It is painful, debilitating, it kills your confidence, and is very upsetting. I felt like I couldn’t eat, or laugh or yawn in comfort. And let’s all not pretend it doesn’t have ramifications for one’s oral-sex life! (Haha, sorry mom, if you’re reading this!!)

ANYWAYYYYYYYY so Meg said “come to acupuncture with me” and I went. I went without thinking, but as soon as I arrived, I suddenly was like “Wait a second. Acupuncture is where they put needles in you… WTF am I doing here?!”

We had gone to Roncesvalles Community Acupuncture (it’s cheap because they do multiple people at the same time, in the same room - seriously less awkward than it sounds). The person on that day was Dr. Chris Pickrell. Despite my fear, curiosity got the best of me and I laid down on one of 8 massage tables in a dimly lit, quiet room. Chris came over and we whispered back and forth - what is wrong, ok this is what I’m going to do, etc. - until he was ready to get started.

I took a few deep breaths because I was nervous about the needles… but I barely felt them going in! Sometimes I’d feel a sort of PING but it was inside my body - not on the surface where the pin touched my skin. It was weird, but not painful. He told me to relax then and left me there to work on the other people waiting…. I fell fast asleep.

I woke up when the needles were being removed. I felt heavily relaxed.

TBH I felt like I had smoked a big fat joint and taken a nap, and was just waking up ready to put on some Neil Young and clean the house (old go-to when getting high in my 20s!). I felt awesome.

As Meg finished her session, we walked out the door, and her first question was “How’s your jaw?”

“Oh. Uh, I don’t know,” I said hesitantly. I was SO nervous that if I opened it to check it would pop in and put the way it did sometimes. Gingerly, I opened my mouth. Then wider, wider. I yawned in comfort for the first time in months. My ears popped. My head felt so clear.

I couldn’t believe it. Freedom, finally.

Ever since then, acupuncture has been a major part of my self-care. I’ve tried a few different practitioners, and places. People have different styles and areas of expertise. I love Tehseen and Chris at Roncesvalles Community Acupuncture, and several people I know (including my sister) love Susanda, at Six Degrees (I have never been able to time my appointments to see her). But most of all I love Nada.

I tried out Nada’s services because we are neighbours, but instantly I knew she was so much more than meets the eye. She is a healer physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually (as all healers should be in my opinion). She takes the time to talk before our appointments. She does all the TCM things, like looks at my tongue and takes my pulse. She also advises my nutrition, which I find helpful because it aligns with my the Ayurvedic diet advice I take from my sister, and apparently I can always do with a reminder!

Once I went in after a bad emotional experience, and she brilliantly guided my body to expel what had stuck with me. It was intense and exactly what I needed. I put my health in her very capable hands. Would Recommend!!

Resources Toronto Acupuncture:
Acupuncturist, Nada Ashkar

Roncesvalles Community Acupuncture

Six Degrees

Day 1 of my 39-day self-care challenge

How many days until your wedding?? Are you excited? Nervous?? Stressed out??? Or absolutely fucking ready? Do you GLOW? If you want to, you may want to join this 39-day challenge! It’s absolutely FREE. You can start any time. And if you don’t have 39 days to go before your wedding — CONGRATULATIONS — you need this even more!! Read on for details:

I have decided to start a 39 day challenge: To do one thing everyday for 39 days, in the name of self-care, self-approval and self-celebration! I want people to do it with me. 🥂 Will you??

Okay, WHY am I doing this?

Well, life can throw a lot of shit our way.

Normal stressors, boring and mundane crappy stuff, and also tragedy – personal, political, intimate, and international.

Other times life is great.

Both are temporary.

But they never feel that way, do they!? Like, when things are awesome, and then the awesomeness ends, it feels terrible and shocking, like something’s wrong. Oh, the accumulated YEARS of shame, “what is WRONG with me??” I would wonder. What is WRONG.

And when things are bad, it can feel like the shit will never end.

But it does.

Learning to embrace this emotional roller coaster is a relatively NEW skill for me, in my 39 years. Actually realizing that nothing was wrong, and that feeling both good and bad is RIGHT (hi, and welcome to being Human!)… was a huge, life-changing epiphany for me.

One of the ways I got there was being put on a strict diet of self-approval, self-pleasure, and self-care.

And no, I’m not talking “eat a bucket of ice-cream and spend $-I-don’t-have on retail therapy” self-care (although sometimes those things are ACTUALLY what a person needs, and then they are exactly right!).

I am talking about going through life and asking myself CONSTANTLY what I want; whether I am saying YES to shit I don’t want, NO to stuff I actually need, or whether I’ve even CONSIDERED my desires lately. 🤯😍

It’s as simple as that.

Making a habit of this practice has changed the way the Ups and Downs feel. It has changed the Okay-ness level of when amazing things end, and when sad, horrible, enraging, depressing, stressful, overwhelming things feel like they’ll NEVER end.

✨It has made life much easier.
✨It has made relationships, and money, and deadlines, and *online dating* easier.
✨It has even made Trump easier! (Still working on Ford though.)

And it is Fun. Remember FUN??? Fun is awesome.

So, my gorgeous friends, who is with me? Will anyone join in the fun? The instructions are easy:
✅Everyday ask yourself one or all of the below questions (at the bottom of this post)
✅Everyday do some thing – for a minute or an hour or a day – that fills up your cup
✅Let me know your thing. Here on this post.

Why do it with me? Um, obviously, because things are more FUN when we do them together! REMEMBER FUN????

These are the questions I’m asking these days, and the answers lead to my 39-Day Challenge Action Steps:

🤷🏻‍♀️What would make this enjoyable?
🤷🏼‍♀️Does this feel good?
🤷🏽‍♀️How can I make myself WANT to do this?
🤷🏿‍♀️Do I need a rest?
🤷🏻‍♂️What do I desire today? This week? This year? In life? In my fantasies???
🤷🏾‍♂️Is this a loving choice for me?

LET’S DO THIS! 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

Here are a couple screenshots of me dancing like the dorky Goddess I am, on my instagram post. If you’d like to check out the challenge (and join ANY TIME, for FREE!), check out my account, and search for the hashtag #39daysofselfcare. Post what you’re doing to love and care for yourself with the same # and we will cheer each other on!!

An excerpt from The Empire Citizen, entitled “Breathing and Fighting Like Lovers”.

I start every couples’ photo session with a one-minute meditation. Here's why: 

When people show up for a photo shoot, they've usually just had an argument.

Yep, almost everyone. And that’s totally ok.

Clients arrive, looking gorgeous and smiling nervously...
But it’s a tense, tight, “We just sat in traffic and couldn’t find parking, and one of us made us late and the other took a wrong turn and neither of us agreed on outfits, and also we MUST BE IN LOVE and look good and this is going to be super awkward, AND we want this photographer to like us….” type of smile.

So I tell them – DON'T WORRY! I'm going to start with my Little Pep Talk. And then I trick them into meditation. Er, I mean lead them in a meditation.

Afterwards – after a bunch of deep breaths, some hand holding (them, not me), a medium amount of giggling, and more deep breaths – we all open our eyes and I explain why we just did this.

When I note that everyone gets in a fight on their way to the shoot, the couple bursts into laughter, saying “OMG we did too!”  They look at each other like, Yesss!
They're on the same team again.
All is well. 
Genuinely in-love eye-gazing and snuggling ensues. 

Life is life. There are new experiences to deal with and old issues that pop up, and THAT’S OK. 
Breathing. Helps. 

The reason we do these photo-worthy things in the first place is because they are FUN, and joyful and lovely! Romance, nostalgia, celebration, togetherness – remember, the actual purpose behind photos and events?!

So, as you approach the holiday season, dinner with in-laws, family and engagement photos, BREATHE.

A little bit about me.

You may be wondering how I came to know all this random, wonderful info. To be honest, I’ve experienced my fair share of anxiety and awkwardness. I'm a feeler – emotion guides my definition of beauty, and defines what a worthy image is. This is a highly beneficial quality when holding space for others, making them comfortable, and witnessing intimate moments. But it also makes me a sensitive soul, and us sensitive souls gotta be proactive about our emotional health. You can read more about my journey on my ABOUT page. 

This, my young friends, is a DVD case (said like “dee-vee-dee”). In the olden days, people used them to hold disks that you’d insert into computers, to watch movies on… I KNOW, right?! It’s wild.

Anyhoo, in 2009 my sister bought me a set of yoga DVDs with an instructor named Rainbeau Mars (YES SHE SPELLS IT THAT WAY AND I APPROVE). Whenever I was in a tough pose – muscles shaking, sweat dripping – she would sigh, “Remember, this is a breathing exercise.”

At first I was like, “Whatever Rainbeau, easy for you to say, miss headstand-on-a-beach-in-Hawaii,” but I decided to take her advice and focus. I realized my breath was tense, not just my puny biceps.

As I relaxed the breath, the body followed. And I could hold the pose for longer. And my body got stronger. 

All that energy, wasted on resisting – trying to avoid the discomfort – was re-directed to the breath, nourishing me with oxygen instead. It was the beginning of my body-mind journey.

Now, I’m not a scientist (unless you consider magic a science, which I DO, by the way, so YES I AM A SCIENTIST), but I know 100% that breathing works. If you try it out for a short period of time, you’ll know it too. There are many ways to breathe, and lots of great books on the topic.

Do you have a yoga or meditation practice? Do you love breathing, science, or fun? If so, we've got lots in common, and we should become friends.

This was an excerpt from The Empire Citizen, my bi-weekly newsletter, which you can sign up for here.

An excerpt from The Empire Citizen, my bi-weekly newsletter, which you can sign up for here.

Back to school, Thanksgiving, Halloween… How is it the middle of November!?

Maybe you got married this year.  Maybe you said goodbye to your “baby” as they got on the school bus for the first time. Either way, it happened fast. If only there were an invisible photographer at the bus stop to capture that look on your face – crying, laughing, glaring with over-protectiveness:  love, your way.

Ask this Magic Question

We all know it's impossible to "stop time” but there are ways to enjoy right now and make sure your memories stay with you. One way is the practice of Reflection.

Stop right now and answer this question in your mind: 
What was my favourite part of today, so far? 

A coffee? A kiss? A bathroom break? (Just saying!)
For me, it was writing in my journal first thing in the morning. I felt grounded, connected and safe.

How Reflection Stops Time

Reflection helps us focus our minds on little pieces of life that would otherwise go unnoticed.

1. The noticing leads to a memory;

2. The memory brings up a feeling;

3. The impact of the feeling helps our brain flag that moment as a "keeper" in the sorting & filing of the mind.

Reflection is that invisible photographer you wish for. I ask every single one of my couples this question on their wedding day: 
What was your favourite part of today, so far? Whatever they say in the answer, they will remember for the rest of their lives.

This was an excerpt from The Empire Citizen, my bi-weekly newsletter, which you can sign up for here.

With the sad passing of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain this week, there have been a lot of posts about depression and suicide. It's hard for people to understand how those who "have it all" could take their own life. But I totally understand how they could. So I want to share.

Lots of posts about "if you're struggling, reach out" and also great posts about "since depression prevents people from reaching out, check in on your friends, cuz you never know what they're going through."

Yes to all of the discussion. Yes to #BellLetsTalk yes to #MeToo and #beenrapedneverreported and all the good discussion over the years on speaking out loud what shames us.

I'm in a fabulous coaching group that consists of 45 women. Within that, I have a small mastermind group of 8 brilliant minds who support and brainstorm and cheerlead one another every single Wednesday at 10am. Recently one of these dear friends told me, "Shame has NOTHING except secrecy. Silence is its ONLY power. When you take away the secrecy and silence, shame has nothing left to hold over you." This is and has always been true for me. Maybe that's why I love all the Brené Brown I can get. Every time, it's impossibly hard to speak up. And in turn, every time I speak up, the shame and fear and resistance and self-abuse disappears like opening a box of smoke and watching it blow away into the wind.

Where am I going with this?

Years ago, I was depressed. Luckily, it wasn't suicidal depression. It was numbing depression. Some people asked me later, "Why – what happened!?" Nothing "happened". Or, I should just say LIFE happened, you know? Depression occurred in my family, I went through it as a teen, and then over a period of more than 10 years, I slid slowly down down down.

Until one summer – the first summer that my wedding photography business really blew up – shooting every week, lots of happy, great, lovely, fabulous clients, I was fucking depressed.

I would go out and shoot, and feel awesome and fine, full of social energy, in the flow of doing what I do best. Then I'd come home, and download all my cards, back them up, go to bed. ...And stay in bed.
All day.
All week.
Until my next shoot. 

I didn't quite realize I was depressed. I felt tired. I felt exhausted actually.
Specifically in the mornings. And I was addicted to my phone (a habit I still struggle with to this day). I would wake up and feel too exhausted to move or get out of bed. I also felt overwhelmed with work. For those of you who don't know... A wedding may take 8 hours to photograph, but for me, it takes about 40 hours to edit. So lying in bed all day, all week, meant jobs were piling up like crazy. I was in a vicious cycle. Being behind on my editing meant working late nights at the computer, and declining social events. Staying up late = sleeping in. Saying no to friends & family turned into being alone all the time, except when I was shooting.

And here is the craziest part: when I was shooting, I was perfectly fine. Better than fine, I was legitimately happy, cheerful, leading the way for my clients to feel comfortable. We laughed and connected and had a genuine time and it was real. And then when I got home... back to bed.

I worked out a lot. Similar to shooting, while pumping my body full of endorphins at Barreworks, I felt FINE. Until the time I got home and locked up my bike, and went straight back to the place I loved to hate and hated myself for loving: bed. 
Under the covers.
Mornings were dreaded.
I'd wake up late and pre-feel shame for what I was about to do: lie in bed for 4-6 hours, numbing out, scrolling social media on my phone, snoozing, looking at emails & feeling overwhelmed, daydreaming, etc., etc., etc.

So what does depression look like? For me, a happy loving successful person who secretly feels totally fucked up, tired, and overwhelmed. For other people – who knows? 

All my life, I've been surrounded by the most loving family and friends. They didn't know. I told them - I'm busy - I have too much work - I can't come, tonight, but have funnn! How would they ever know? Especially if I myself didn't really understand.

That fall, I went to a lovely conference. "Adventure Always" a magical, beautiful, dreamy, luxurious event at the Parker Palm Springs, surrounded by some of the most inspirational, creative entrepreneurs you can imagine.

Hated it. 

Luckily, I was with a good friend who was also my mentor. We shared a room, and spent 4 days together in the desert. I think, spending 4 days and nights in the same room, she could really see that I was suffering. And by that point, even I knew that shit was getting real. I was irritable and anxious, and couldn't see beyond my pain to enjoy the conference. 

She looked at me one day and said, "there's this thing that I think could help." It was an 8-day 'personal development workshop' that I now have learned consisted of somatics, CBT, meditation, and a whole combination of interventions focused mainly on neuroplasticity – basically 2 years of therapy in a week. We didn't talk about it in detail, but I took heed. I trusted her and didn't need much more than her recommendation. That was October. In December I went to the process. It isn't for everyone, but it worked wonders for me. That was the beginning of healing. My journey back to myself. 

Why am I telling you this very personal story of my depression? Because it might interest you to know – it may give you hope to learn – that depression was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. 

Let me repeat: my experience with depression has been the most valuable experience of my life. I am not exaggerating.

In my healing, I became the most resilient, strong, loving, genuinely compassionate version of myself.
I got to know who I really am. 
I began my spiritual practice. 
I forgave my old hurts and moved on.
I became stable and grounded. And in grounding I was able to grow.

Not everyone has to go through this shit to grow and "get there". Sometimes I look at folks who seem happy and uncomplicated, and think, "I have no idea how it is for them. But even if they're truly happy and uncomplicated, that is their path, with its own gifts."

My path has given me the greatest gifts of my life – all the qualities and skills and super powers that bring me success in my business and relationships. I don't know who I'd be had I any other path. Over the years since then, I have gained the tools, skills, and understanding needed to believe in myself and make things happen. I live with intention. I cry tears of joy. My relationships are deeply intimate and safe. I feel genuine love for my clients. I marvel at the beauty of nature and the city and humans and coffee and music. I feel alive. It took years of work. And it was worth every minute.

I am grateful for every single crack and scar on my sensitive, loving heart. 

The tagline for my business is "mindful authentic photography".  And this story is why.  While I was depressed, the circumstances of my job allowed me be in a flow of happy energy several times per week (weddings & engagement shoots). I have no idea what life would look like, if I didn't have those breaks in the dense, grey cloud of depression. When I began my healing, I meditated every single day, and wrote a list of 10 gratitudes every single night, for more than a year. I learned to be honest with myself about my "negative" emotions. Honesty and compassion allows you to let go. The need for honesty and compassion is so so important, that I have literally made it my business tagline, but I want it to be our LIFE tagline.

I'm still human. I still have hard days of course, and normal horrible PMS, like everyone else. But I'm well, is the difference. I work at my wellness just like getting groceries and going to the gym. 

I want us to develop a culture of emotional health.

Imagine if checking in and understanding feelings were as important and normal as brushing your teeth twice a day, eating healthy, or looking fit. Imagine the compassion, open-mindedness, and mental space we would have, in our work, family, politics, and our hearts. I do think it's possible.

This letter is my public vow to work towards this culture. If you have thoughts, comments, questions, or experiences you'd like to share, please do: email me, or reach out on social media. I am here, another human, just like you.

With love, 
Kate