DAY 9 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

There was a time in my life that, every time someone would tell me I was beautiful I would think “yeah, but you don’t know how fucked up I am on the inside.” I knew I fit society’s beauty standards, and yet I still felt awkward, insecure, lonely and ashamed. I was scared of attention. I literally took the alleyways because fewer people could look at me then.

And you know what? This only changed within the last couple of years! Especially when it came to being sexy and feminine — ho boy was I uncomfortable with that!

But look at me now. Dragana Paramentic took these beautiful photos for her new project, The Goddacious Experience. She’s mighty talented, and I was feeling hot as hell!

So how did I make this transformation, you ask? Two things: SISTERHOOD and DOING THE WORK. That’s right.... personal development, specifically in a community setting. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve done my fair share of one-on-one counselling and coaching. But I couldn’t get to HERE alone.

Through (my coach) Catherine Farquharson’s group of 70, and Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts’ army of 900, I have been surrounded by women who saw the light in me.
✨Who lifted me up
✨Carried me when I was down
✨Who I was strong for when they needed me
✨Who celebrated one another’s wins
🔥Whose desires and accomplishments were so much more outrageous and huge and fucking important than mine, that it lit a fire in me to get there/
have that/
do that/
Be that.

Today is Day 9 of #39daysofselfcare. I am at Dragana’s house for a self-love date. That’s right, we are getting together to praise & raise each other (and eat all the foods).

If you wanna love yourself more, get your ass a sisterhood, asap.

Get out of the alleyways. Come walk on the sidewalk where everyone can see you’re a Goddess too.

Resources:

The Goddacious Experience (Toronto)

Catherine Farquharson’s mindset coaching group (global)

Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts: On Sisterhood (global)

If you are looking for SISTERHOOD, specifically with other brides who are planning their weddings, get on the waitlist for The Course! (global)

DAY 7 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

A few days ago I was dancing all the feelings out of my body to a rightfully rage-y song and felt compelled to basically trash the place. This consisted of throwing clean laundry EVERYWHERE, whipping the floor with a towel, and writhing around with the pillows and blankets on my bed. My downstairs neighbours are on vay-cay, and it feels so good to let loose. 🌊🌪💦☄️✨

Once I was done, I spent time folding & hanging everything with the KonMari method, which I adore, listening to the Tusk album by Fleetwood Mac. (Can we pls stop and share a moment for the song “Storms”?!?! Tks)

I digress.
Day 7 of #39daysofselfcare is cleaning; specifically to tidy, fold, put out the trash, empty the fridge, and purge a bunch of papers.

But does cleaning count as “self-care”? You bet your bottom dollar!

For anyone naturally tidy, you may not relate to this post. But for many/most people who have experienced depression, you know how bad things can get. There were times in my life my bedroom looked like the above image on a regular day. The simplest acts of housekeeping felt impossible.

But for most people who have experienced depression, you know how bad things can get.

They say depression is anger turned inwards. And my wise coach once said, “your outside world is a reflection of your inner one.” In my experience these two statements are true.

It took me a year of intentional research to discover what “self-love” was for me. In a REAL, literal, action-based sense. I wanted STEPS. I needed instructions. Cleaning was one of them.

It changed my life.
Much to my hippy, anti-establishment, “won’t be domesticated” chagrin, I learned it’s easier to go with the flow, when there’s actual physical space for the flow to go.

If you’re in the middle of wedding planning, maybe you don’t have time/desire to clean. Especially when things get intense, this can go to the bottom of the priority list. I have a hack for that: hire a cleaner!!

LET ME REPEAT:
Hire a cleaning person.

Because, you know what? It’s 100% the same amount and quality of love as if you did it yourself. Maybe even more so! Let go of whatever weirdness you may feel and give yourself that gift.

If you look at your own life, can you see any ways your outside world reflects your inner one?

Resources:

The KonMari Method of tidying up

Catherine Farquharson Coaching

DAY 4 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

Saying YES to help…

In particular, saying yes when an auntie at today’s wedding offered - nay, INSISTED - that she pack us each a very full take out box of food for our drive. We were rushing around and I had half-assedly snapped up a few goodies onto a plate, covered with a napkin...

“That’s nothing. And it’s going to spill,” she scoffed, in true Auntie fashion. So depicted here are the remains. I ate about 5 spanakopitas and god-knows how many cookies.

Why is this self-care??

Actually a lot of brides struggle with saying yes to help. Taking a frigging minute for themselves, in life, let alone the wedding day. Sometimes not receiving help is a form of grasping onto control. Other times it’s a lifelong, learned habit of putting yourself last. After everyone else is taken care of, THEN you eat. Then you rest. Then you play. But often Then never comes.

What comes in its place is exhaustion, resentment, victimhood, and burnout.

I don’t blame any person, woman, or bride, for this behaviour. I have a lifetime of practice myself — it’s what we’re taught!

But I DO see the value in ending this. That’s why I’m doing 39 days.

And sometimes the most simple practices are the most profound. I let myself eat. I drank enough water. I remembered to pee... things that, during a BUSY 12 hour wedding day, are easy to forget, postpone, or avoid altogether.

My body thanks me. My work is more beautiful and profound. My jokes (I happen to think) are more hilarious. And somewhere deep in my system, I have demonstrated I am loved, by me. Loved and respected enough to be taken care of on the most basic level.

If you’re getting married and want to make your Snack Plan, I have a blog post on keeping H’Anger at Bay on the Wedding Day!

But in the meantime, how have you said YES to receiving, lately? Don’t forget to ask for and accept a little help.

DAY 3 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

This morning I woke up and noticed I was kind of pissed off. I was lying in bed, thinking about two recent incidents where people’s behaviour had made me feel irritated.

As I replayed “what happened” in my head, I felt anger bubbling up again.

Suddenly I stopped. 🛑 Why was I re-living those moments? After ALL the mindset coaching I’ve done, I know that thoughts create feelings. And some feelings are TOXIC - you can literally feel the stress hormones pumping through your body as the thoughts occur.

I took a breath and paused to ask myself a few questions. I realized that these two events: 1. Were both in the past. 2. Had been discussed and resolved between us, as best we could.

I took stock and saw that I had expressed my displeasure, set my boundaries, made efforts to understand the other person’s reaction, and had also taken steps to separate my own responsibility and feelings...
So why did I wake up thinking about it?

I realized I hadn’t SWAMPED.
Swamping is a concept I learned when studying in New York, at the School of Womanly Arts, to help you work your emotions out of your body. Yes, your BODY.

I could think my way out of almost anything, but thinking is not always enough. 🤔We live in a human body that experiences, stores, and remembers all of our emotions... hence being able to feel when they’re pumping through your system.😤🤯🤬

If you can feel them entering, don’t you think you need to feel them exit, too??

We think in order to get over anger we need to relax, but it’s actually the other way around: we need to get the anger out IN ORDER TO relax. Swamping allows you to do this.

After I swamped, I felt great. In fact, I ended up dancing around my room and doing a strip tease in front of my bedroom mirror! 🔥💃🏻💦Ruminating on the past was the LAST thing on my mind. 🤣 I headed into my day with a glow and a heart full of gratitude.

Have you heard of this? How do you get your feelings out?

I’m including this in my #39daysofselfcare challenge. Why? Because if you’re not used to allowing “difficult” feelings, some people can find the idea of swamping terrifying... But I consider it one of the most pleasurable forms of self-care I know 😍 I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Day 2 of my 39-day self-care challenge

One of my (many) birthday gifts to myself this year was to have a session with acupuncturist, Nada Ashkar. Nada’s office is next-door to mine, and I booked an appointment for rebalancing my system, easing tension in my jaw, and cosmetic acupuncture... I mean, I did just turn 39! And while I plan to age gracefully and continue to believe I am getting hotter more beautiful, and more fabulous with time… Well sometimes a girl just needs a little support.

This story is for those of you who are curious but freaked out about acupuncture because, well, NEEDLES.

The first time I ever went to acupuncture was in 2013. My friend, Meg, invited me because I was having major TMJ issues. My dentist had identified degradation in both sides of my jaw joints and it had gotten to the extreme that, halfway through a meal, I had to stop eating because of the pain. I often went hungry! I wore a mouth guard at night to prevent the clenching from damaging my jaws further, but as my teeth pressed against the guard, they started to reposition themselves from the pressure… So then my bite didn’t match up. Honestly it was hell.

Anyione with jaw pain, teeth grinding, or TMJ of any sort, I feel you. It is painful, debilitating, it kills your confidence, and is very upsetting. I felt like I couldn’t eat, or laugh or yawn in comfort. And let’s all not pretend it doesn’t have ramifications for one’s oral-sex life! (Haha, sorry mom, if you’re reading this!!)

ANYWAYYYYYYYY so Meg said “come to acupuncture with me” and I went. I went without thinking, but as soon as I arrived, I suddenly was like “Wait a second. Acupuncture is where they put needles in you… WTF am I doing here?!”

We had gone to Roncesvalles Community Acupuncture (it’s cheap because they do multiple people at the same time, in the same room - seriously less awkward than it sounds). The person on that day was Dr. Chris Pickrell. Despite my fear, curiosity got the best of me and I laid down on one of 8 massage tables in a dimly lit, quiet room. Chris came over and we whispered back and forth - what is wrong, ok this is what I’m going to do, etc. - until he was ready to get started.

I took a few deep breaths because I was nervous about the needles… but I barely felt them going in! Sometimes I’d feel a sort of PING but it was inside my body - not on the surface where the pin touched my skin. It was weird, but not painful. He told me to relax then and left me there to work on the other people waiting…. I fell fast asleep.

I woke up when the needles were being removed. I felt heavily relaxed.

TBH I felt like I had smoked a big fat joint and taken a nap, and was just waking up ready to put on some Neil Young and clean the house (old go-to when getting high in my 20s!). I felt awesome.

As Meg finished her session, we walked out the door, and her first question was “How’s your jaw?”

“Oh. Uh, I don’t know,” I said hesitantly. I was SO nervous that if I opened it to check it would pop in and put the way it did sometimes. Gingerly, I opened my mouth. Then wider, wider. I yawned in comfort for the first time in months. My ears popped. My head felt so clear.

I couldn’t believe it. Freedom, finally.

Ever since then, acupuncture has been a major part of my self-care. I’ve tried a few different practitioners, and places. People have different styles and areas of expertise. I love Tehseen and Chris at Roncesvalles Community Acupuncture, and several people I know (including my sister) love Susanda, at Six Degrees (I have never been able to time my appointments to see her). But most of all I love Nada.

I tried out Nada’s services because we are neighbours, but instantly I knew she was so much more than meets the eye. She is a healer physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually (as all healers should be in my opinion). She takes the time to talk before our appointments. She does all the TCM things, like looks at my tongue and takes my pulse. She also advises my nutrition, which I find helpful because it aligns with my the Ayurvedic diet advice I take from my sister, and apparently I can always do with a reminder!

Once I went in after a bad emotional experience, and she brilliantly guided my body to expel what had stuck with me. It was intense and exactly what I needed. I put my health in her very capable hands. Would Recommend!!

Resources Toronto Acupuncture:
Acupuncturist, Nada Ashkar

Roncesvalles Community Acupuncture

Six Degrees